Why does America like crappy music?

I just visited Billboard.com and was appalled when I saw what the top 10 songs currently are. I have taken the time to listen to at least a little of each song on this list, unfortunately most were so bad I had to skip around to get the gist of what is pathetically, considered music.

Here are the top 10 songs according to the Billboard Charts, along with a small remark from me.

1. Rihanna feat. Jay-Z - Umbrella: This is the most popular song in the Nation, yet my ears began bleeding within the first 30 secs. I have never liked Jay-Z, so the fact his voice was hammered into my skull right at the start, may be the reason this song leaves such a bad taste in my mouth.
2. Shop Boyz - Party Like a Rockstar: I'm not a huge fan of rap, but do not dislike the genre in general. With that said, this song should not be the second most popular song right now. It isn't the worst thing I've ever heard and was even able to listen to the entire thing, however, it was far from anything I would listen to in public. The shame would be unbearable.
   
3. Plain White T's - Hey There Delilah: I actually like this song a lot and am proud to admit it currently has a nice home in my iPod. Personally, I feel this song should be number 1, not because it is that amazing, simply because it is better than anything else on this list.
4. Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry: Blah... "I'm not gonna miss you, like a child needs his blanket." Enough said.
   
5. T-Pain Feat. Yung Joc - Buy U a Drank: The word is "drink," not drank... Their is a difference between artistic license and promoting the degradation of the English language. Oddly catching, yet still extremely horrible.
   
6. Timbaland - The Way I Are: I ain't got no money neither, but dat don't give me no rite to make crappy music and use badly English. Would it really detract from your song to title it, "The Way I Am," you stupid fuck...
   
7. Maroon 5- Makes Me Wonder: I've never really liked Maroon 5 and this is no different. Could they be bigger pussies? They sound like a 90's boy band in this track. On second thought, that isn't any different than anything else I have heard from them.
   
8. Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend: Aside from being mildly attractive, she is utter crap. On top of the song being horrible, she continues to dress punk, yet sings Pop. Pick a fucking genre already.
   
9. Justin Timberlake - Summer Love: This ex boy band member may be the worst thing to happen to music since Bob Dylan found Jesus (view his gospel songs on youtube, you will see what I mean.) Timberlake is like a white R. Kelly, minus the golden showers. This is absolutely horrible. I never thought I could hate him more than when he was a member of N'Sync, but alas, I have been proven wrong.
   
10. Amy Winehouse - Rhab: Surprisingly, I have nothing bad to say about this song. I actually kind of liked it.
    

How are these the most popular songs? What the hell is wrong with people? I can't believe so many people have such horrible taste in music. People make me sick... Out of ten slots, only 3 songs listed are even worthy of listening to.

Boy Shakira

This guy is a contestant on "America's Got Talent," but doesn't seem to have any talent himself. This is a clip from his first audition which I do find very funny. However, after seeing his new performance, which isn't worth posting, I'm left wondering why he is still around. It was just pathetic the second time.

Torture Device for Children

Why does nearly every doctors office have this toy? It may be the most annoying thing created since the demon child, Paris Hilton. Kids don't seem content to quietly move the wooden balls down the track, they must make as much noise as possible while doing it. On top of the noise being produced by the toy itself, this simple design seems to work many children into an instant state of hysteria.

Personally, I feel the doctors who use this torture device in their offices believe it will increase the number of patients they treat. I, for example, would never have discovered I suffer from migraines if it weren't for this toy being placed in nearly every doctor's office I've ever been in.

Why can't waiting rooms show a G rated film and provide coloring books and crayons for the kids? I believe waiting rooms should provide entertainment for children, but not at the risk of my health and sanity. What the hell is the point of having reading material for the adults if they can't even here themselves think? Granted, a lot of the problem falls to bad parenting, but don't help these kids serve their one purpose in life (annoying others) by providing them with obnoxious toys while others are trying to read. Children are best observed, not heard.

Lights, Camera, Stupidity

I worked on a movie set in New Orleans a few years back and the more I think about the experience, the more I realize just how many mentally deprived people I came across. In case you are interested, the small independent film is called "Flakes." I have a strong feeling it will quickly go to DVD, but non-the-less, I enjoyed my non-paying job as a production assistant.

Brief Synopsis taken from IMDB.com:

Aspiring rock musician Neal Downs (Stanford) manages a cereal bar. Stylish Miss Pussy Katz (Deschanel) is the creator of radically-themed art clothing. When the cereal bar, brings in an offbeat crew of locals, who debate the arcana of cereal history and ideal milk/flake ratios, an aspiring capitalist rips off their concept.

This film was shot on the streets of New Orleans and two buildings, catercorner to each other, were the sets of the two competing cereal bars. Parked along the street were several trucks along with lighting, audio, and film equipment along the side walks. One of the sets was built in a building which many people recognize as a popular place, unfortunately the name and purpose of the establishment is eluding me at the moment. Google, the local news archives, and the local paper's site were of no help in my search either. Apparently this film is so under the radar, even local news agencies didn't see much use in reporting much on it. The business was closed for renovations and decided to rent it out for the 28 days it took to make this film.

The question I was asked most often, despite the obvious answer, was... are you ready for this?
"What are y'all doing?" Granted this question came in several variations, sometimes it was phrased as, "What's going on here?" But despite minor word variations, this question was nearly always accompanied by a very confused expression. Keep in mind, there is lighting equipment, cameras, and many other signs which would indicate, to any mildly intelligent person, something is being filmed. Even if they knew this and simply wanted to talk about it, a much better approach would have been to ask whats being filmed. Instead they piss me off instantly with one of the dumbest question a person could ask in that situation.

At one point, while they were filming down the road, I was given the task of guarding the equipment and vacant set's. While exquisitely preforming my noble duty, a couple walked by and looked through the window of one of the sets, which had a sign hanging over head which read, "Flakes Cereal Bar." The man immediately exclaims to his companion, "their opening a cereal bar here, what a stupid fucking idea...!" "And why the fuck are they opening two of them right across the street from each other?"All I could seem to do was look at him like he was the dumbest man on earth.

I felt it was important to let him continue in his rant before I informed him of what was actually going on. I have to admit, he was a great source of entertainment at that moment. Despite noticing all the film making equipment all around him, when I informed the dolt (with a very mocking voice) it was a movie set, he replied, "How the hell was I supposed to know that?" Surprisingly he didn't seem at all embarrassed. He seemingly saw no reason he should have been able to deduce something close to that answer.

In summation, pay attention to your surroundings, it may keep you from asking stupid questions... I know momma likely told you there are no stupid questions, but she was wrong. Or perhaps she was right, because as the other saying goes, "there are no stupid questions, only stupid people." Yup, maybe momma was right after all.

11 year old drunk driver

An 11 y/o girl lead police on a 100 mph chase through Orange Beach, Alabama ending in a horrific crash. Maybe I'm alone on this, but I would like to see the parents on trial alongside their idiot child. I also better not hear anyone saying, "She's only 11, we all made stupid mistakes at that age."

First of all, most people don't steal a relatives car until 14 years of age and don't receive their first DUI until around 16. Obviously this girl is far ahead of the curve when it comes to delinquent minors and at this rate will commit an armed robbery by the time she is 13-14. Congratulations little girl, who's name has not been released, you will likely lead a wonderful fulfilling life in an Alabama trailer park. I have a feeling your inbreed parents are angrier you drank their beer as opposed to the fact you lead police on a 100 mph chase and didn't get away.

I can't stress this enough people, running from the cops is only a smart idea if you can actually get away...

Word for the Weekend 7/6

multifarious
\mul-tuh-FAIR-ee-us\
adjective
: having or occurring in great variety : diverse

"The elements that unite to make the Grand Canyon the most sublime spectacle in nature are multifarious and exceedingly diverse."
-John Wesley Powell

King Henry the VIII is sexy

Everybody knows that most Hollywood screenwriters have little to no talent. I can handle when they retell the same stories over and over again, or remake movies and claim they have updated and modernized them, but something that I will never understand is why they take history and change it so drastically. Usually, in the end, the only fact that remains is the name of the characters.

What got me thinking about this was an advertisement for the television show The Tudors. In the commercial King Henry the VIII is shown as a young slender man. In actuality King Henry the VIII was rather over weight, and short-hence, his love affair with high heels. I realize that a handsome, young man is more pleasing to watch then a fat, gluttonous man, but that is history.

Now, I have never bothered to watch the show, since I know it would just anger me, so I can not say much about the content, but I am almost 100% positive that nothing in the show has anything to do with historical fact. I really believe that they just wanted to make a period piece, but were too ignorant to formulate the characters and basic events on their own.

While on this subject, I also hate when screenwriters, and other Hollywood big shots, think it is okay to bastardize classic novels. I just do not understand why someone would call a movie Pride and Prejudice but not follow the story line of the book. I guess they think that since the title is so well known, it will help gain an audience. Maybe they believe by adding special effects and Tom Cruise will help distract from the butchering of great literature.

Of course I am looking at this from my standpoint. Unfortunately, I think that most people are too oblivious to notice, or so ignorant that they have never read the book, or learned the history being distorted and retold. I would not be surprised if a lot of people take what they see in movies, or TV shows as fact. After all, looking at dots of lights on a screen is much easier than reading.

Help Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed

According to Powell's Books,

Liberals Under My Bed is a fun way for parents to teach children conservatism. Readers follow Tommy and Lou as they open a lemonade stand to earn money for a swing set. But when bureaucratic busybodies demand the brothers pay outrageous taxes, remove their picture of Jesus, and serve broccoli with their lemonade, they experience firsthand the dangers of liberalism.

This got me thinking of other great ideas for children's books.

1. Help Mom! Al Sharpton is under my bed.
Lou and Tommy start a lemonade stand only to have Al Sharpton stage a protest out front due to their lack of minority employee's.

2. Help Mom! Lindsay Lohan is under my bed.
Lou and Tommy start a lemonade stand only to have it destroyed by a drunk and swerving coke whore.

3. Help Mom! There are Scientologists under my bed.
Lou and Tommy start a lemonade stand only to have it over run by Xenu, the alien ruler of the "Galactic Confederacy."

4. Help Mom! There are Fundamentalist Christians under my bed.
Lou and Tommy start a lemonade stand only to have it and themselves condemned to hell by an ironically bitter preacher, all because they don't donate enough money to the local church.

Maybe these aren't million dollar book ideas, but shouldn't we warn children early of all these dangers in the world?

"K-Ville" Cops patrol post katrina streets of New Orleans

Ugly Hookers

I'm thinking of the old adage here, "you get what you pay for." That phrase holds true when you are buying electronics, investing in laser eye surgery, eating out, and cruising the street for a pleasure buddy. I understand the appeal of buying a cheap t.v., even though your sure it will break as soon as that wonderful six month warranty expires. However, I fail to see the logic in buying a cheap hooker, for several reasons.

1. Sex can be very dangerous, especially when used by the ignorant. It's obvious, or at least I hope it is, disease spreads easily through sexual intercourse, especially when the the people involved in the sexual deed are two stupid to wear a condom. Even with a condom, the chance of catching something goes up when you are buying sex from a crack whore in the trailer park.

While I'm on the subject, does anyone else support the government sterilizing anyone on welfare with more than one child? I know my state (Louisiana) gives free birth control to low income people, it doesn't look like many are taking advantage of it though. They also offer women the opportunity to get their tubes tied for free. They are on the right track, but I think it should be required rather than simply an option. No one wants their taxes to go toward some dumb bitch who can't keep her legs closed. It really pisses me off when I see these trashy people with 10 kids. If you can't afford children, at least make an effort to prevent having them.

2. There are several kinds of hookers: the upscale $1,000 an hour hooker, the mid-grade $200-300 hooker, and finally, the cheap $10 for a blow job hooker. This is the hooker this post is dedicated too.

Why, would anyone pay $10 for a blow job, in particular, from someone they can't possibly be attracted to? I watch cops a lot, and see the hideous atrocities they bust for prostitution. You couldn't pay me enough money to even kiss one.

For $10, why not just masturbate? It's much safer and you don't have to fight the natural gag reflex a person must feel when some of these women are doing what they do. On top of that, I'm sure your own hand feels much better than crooked, jagged teeth scratching across your member. The worst part of all this is the fact people actually pay these women for their service. If they weren't making enough money via their current profession to buy crack and heroin, they would change jobs. Maybe a fine life of thievery?

Let's face it, prostitution is reserved for the rich. They can afford nice, and generally clean prostitutes. If you can't afford something nice in this regard, why not just avoid it all together. If you take nothing else from this, remember, a cheap t.v. won't give you:
Chlamydia
Crabs
Gonorrhea
Hepatitis
Herpes
HIV and AIDS
Scabies
Syphilis
but a cheap hooker may. Hell I'm about to vomit just think about all this.

On a more serious note, if you would like more information about STDs and STIs click here.
The best defense is informing your self with knowledge... and condoms.

I dislike people

This isn't really news to me, I have known for quit a while I dislike most people. I used to go out to bars a lot, but it was mainly in the hopes of a new sexual conquest. Last night Kelly and I went to a local bar/restaurant which just opened up, and within 5 minutes of being there, I remembered why it's been so long since I visited one.

For the most part, I tolerate obnoxious drunk people, I'm sure I have been that person on a number of occasions. However, there is a difference between simply being an annoying drunk and being a squealing, yelling bitch. There was one girl in the bar, who every few minutes, would squeal at the top of her lungs. I've wanted to tell many people to shut the hell up, but never as much as last night.

Drunk people who talk about stupid stuff are fun, drunk women who scream for no reason while others are sitting down in a nice little bar, are simply annoying and needs to be destroyed. Someone needs to monitor her drinking before it causes a black eye.

I would rather attend a poetry reading by Rosie O'Donnell before I would subject myself to that squealing pig again.

Hey you! Give me my food!

Last night work was more hectic than usual. Within about fifteen minutes of opening, every table in the place was full. Needless to say everyone was a bit overwhelmed, so nothing was running smoothly.

Not too long after opening one of my fellow co-workers ran up to me and asked if I could take one of her tables. She claimed there was no way she could get to them anytime soon, since her whole section was full. I guess she failed to notice that everyone’s section was full, but needing the money I agreed to take it. This was one of the worst mistakes of my entire life.

I went up to the table with my usually cheery (but fake) smile. I introduced myself, and asked if they wanted anything to drink while they were looking over the menu. The man at the table looked at me like I was insane, and said “Of course I want something to drink. Get me an Abita Amber, and it better be cold”!

When I returned with the drinks, they placed their order, then basically threw the menus at me. They had ordered an appetizer, that I knew was going to take awhile, so I decided to bring their salads first.

Again the man looks at me like I didn’t know what I was doing and said, “I ordered an appetizer! Why would you bring my salad now? What kind of place is this”?

I told the owner of the restaurant what was going on at the table, and she quickly went over there. She took the salads from the table, and told them that if they were going to treat one of her employees that way, they could just leave (I really love the owners of my restaurant).

Unfortunately they opted for staying, and getting their food. Needless to say, I did not fill their drinks once, or ever bring back the salads they so detested.

Later on, when the man went to the restroom, his wife flagged me over and told me that she had never seen him act that way, and that she was really sorry. She told me that he had just gone through surgery and he was on a lot of medication at the time. I told her it was okay, but I could not help but wonder why, if he was so doped out on pills, they would go out to eat in the first place.

Moral of the story is this: Don’t treat your server badly, if you do, you will get the service you deserve. I never go out my way for people who come in with a chip on their shoulder. No amount of money is worth being treated like scum.

LET ME IN!!!!!

The restaurant that I work at is in a small town in Southeastern Louisiana, called French Settlement. In my grandmother’s day, people from other towns considered French Settlement as the inbreeding capital of the state, and I don’t think that they were wrong in this assumption.

My place of business opens at five o’clock in the afternoon. We usually have people waiting patiently outside for us to open. Sometimes they will peek through the windows, or pull once or twice on the front doors, but this was not the case Thursday night.

At about 4:45 the restaurant phone starts to ring. I answer it, and hear:
“Hey baby. Ya’ll got cold beer?’
I respond, “Yes sir.”
“Ya’ll got hot food?’
Again I respond, “Yes”.
“Well let me in!”

I then told him that we did not open for the next fifteen minutes. Then he got angry. He actually said, “You are really going to make my wait even though I am outside?” I told him that he had to wait because we were preparing for the evening, and would open very soon, and hung up.

I have never thought that I had the right to be admitted into any establishment that was either not yet opened, or closed. To be brutally honest, he is really luck I did not have to wait on him: his beer would have been at least room temperature, and his food cold. I really hate self-righteous people.