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Monday, July 30, 2007

Sanitize My Feet Please

I went to see Transformers the other night at a not so local theater (damn country living) and decided to wear my flip flops. I didn't feel like having to hunt down two semi-matching socks and figured it was a smart, convenient decision. At least until I ran to the bathroom while Kelly (girlfriend) waited in the concession line.

I walked into the bathroom and went for the non-handicap stall. I would normally just use the urinal, but there was already a guy using one. My bladder shyness won't allow me to piss next to anyone I'm not comfortable with (an issue for another day.)

Upon entering the stall I immediately wonder, as I usually do, how hard is it to direct a stream of urine into a decent sized bowl? Their was a big puddle on the floor in front of the toilet which forced me to stand so far away from the bowl, I had no choice but to add to the substantial puddle of human leakage.

The other thought that forced it's way to the forefront of my attention was the realization I only had an inch or so of rubber separating my flesh from, what I consider, the pitfalls of human accomplishment. Even with the advances in plumbing (no more throwing human waste out your window) human beings still manage to make a public restroom a health hazard in only twelve hours.

Seriously, if you are that horrible at aiming, sit down! On second thought, you probably can't because some asshole beat you to it and pissed everywhere except the designated area, leaving the toilet seat wet and disgusting. I know some women out there may be thinking, just squat, but squatting isn't very easy for us (at least me). I'm always afraid I'm going to leave something far worse on the seat than just urine.

I pondered one more thing before leaving and returning to my girlfriend. Why the hell does the stall door open into the toilet? When I went to leave, I had the daunting task of getting out of this community of bacteria and death. Considering I had to stand so far from the toilet, getting the door open without stepping in the nauseous puddle was a very difficult task. I had to contort my body in a rather weird way, while trying to get around the door with out stepping in the puddle.

While trying to accomplish this, my big toe slipped out my flip flop and onto the floor. I'm glad nobody walked in while I was washing my foot in the public restroom. I imagine that would receive some odd looks.

If everyone wipes their own urine off the seat when they are done, the public toilet may not be such a disgusting place.

By the way, Transformers was a enjoyable movie. If you enjoyed the original series as a kid, enjoy adventure, science fiction, or great special effects, you should go and see it.

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