Sanitize My Feet Please

I went to see Transformers the other night at a not so local theater (damn country living) and decided to wear my flip flops. I didn't feel like having to hunt down two semi-matching socks and figured it was a smart, convenient decision. At least until I ran to the bathroom while Kelly (girlfriend) waited in the concession line.

I walked into the bathroom and went for the non-handicap stall. I would normally just use the urinal, but there was already a guy using one. My bladder shyness won't allow me to piss next to anyone I'm not comfortable with (an issue for another day.)

Upon entering the stall I immediately wonder, as I usually do, how hard is it to direct a stream of urine into a decent sized bowl? Their was a big puddle on the floor in front of the toilet which forced me to stand so far away from the bowl, I had no choice but to add to the substantial puddle of human leakage.

The other thought that forced it's way to the forefront of my attention was the realization I only had an inch or so of rubber separating my flesh from, what I consider, the pitfalls of human accomplishment. Even with the advances in plumbing (no more throwing human waste out your window) human beings still manage to make a public restroom a health hazard in only twelve hours.

Seriously, if you are that horrible at aiming, sit down! On second thought, you probably can't because some asshole beat you to it and pissed everywhere except the designated area, leaving the toilet seat wet and disgusting. I know some women out there may be thinking, just squat, but squatting isn't very easy for us (at least me). I'm always afraid I'm going to leave something far worse on the seat than just urine.

I pondered one more thing before leaving and returning to my girlfriend. Why the hell does the stall door open into the toilet? When I went to leave, I had the daunting task of getting out of this community of bacteria and death. Considering I had to stand so far from the toilet, getting the door open without stepping in the nauseous puddle was a very difficult task. I had to contort my body in a rather weird way, while trying to get around the door with out stepping in the puddle.

While trying to accomplish this, my big toe slipped out my flip flop and onto the floor. I'm glad nobody walked in while I was washing my foot in the public restroom. I imagine that would receive some odd looks.

If everyone wipes their own urine off the seat when they are done, the public toilet may not be such a disgusting place.

By the way, Transformers was a enjoyable movie. If you enjoyed the original series as a kid, enjoy adventure, science fiction, or great special effects, you should go and see it.

Wrost Incense Ever?

I went to the local headshop today to buy some incense. I must say, Dreamcicle may be the worst scent ever. The picture to the left is what I bought. While burning a coconut stick of the same brand, the Dreamcicle over powered it while never leaving the box. It should also be noted the box was under the bed, several feet from me, while the burning stick was on the nightstand right beside me. Something isn't right here. Nothing should have that strong of a smell. Without even lighting one, they have already managed to cause a headache.

News Flash: Not Everyone Wants Children

Why is this such a hard concept to grasp? Why are so many people shocked when my girlfriend or I say we never want to have children? I have gotten several confused looks, and many replies which consist of, "you say that now, but you'll change your mind." Really, I'm so glad you, someone I probably don't even like, knows me better than I know myself.

Another common reply we both receive is, "how could you not want a child, they are the most wonderful things in the world." I must admit; cleaning up human shit, being woken up at all hours of the night, staying up late at night wondering where the hell my daughters at, and not being able to travel because I work for an ungrateful child, is something I have always wanted...

Children aren't right for everyone. What difference does it make to anyone if I never have a child? There are to many people in this world as it is... I only wish there were more people who feel the same as me on this issue. On top of everything already stated, by having a child, I run the risk of being yet another horrible parent. I would rather not be responsible for creating a parasite to society.

People need to get it through their thick skulls, not everyone wants a child.

Side rant...
Personally, I wish some of the whores on welfare would have adopted my way of thinking, rather than spreading their legs for any thing with a penis and popping out a kid every year like clock work. Or the asshole men who have ten children with nine different women, while working a job that pays $8 an hour. Mistakes happen... once or twice! Not three or more times. Go to the gynecologist, get birth control, and make the man wear a fucking condom. It may fail once or twice, but you won't wind up with a bundle of children you can't fucking afford. If you can't take care of a child properly, do everything in your power to prevent it, you buffoon.

Actually "buffoon," is a horrible word in this case, since there is nothing humorous about the kind of people mentioned above. Every last one of them should be sterilized.

Update coming shortly

I have been experiencing extreme writers block the past few days. I have several incomplete posts I just couldn't seem to finish. I will have an update in an hour or so though.

Music I Actually Like

I don't have time to make a detailed post today since I have to go to New Orleans to pick my car up from the shop. I figure since I had no problem insulting the music most Americans listens to, I will post some videos of songs I think are great. Feel free to leave a comment and critique my choice in music.

1. Placebo - Twenty Years


2. The Used - The Bird and The Worm


3. Marilyn Manson - This is the New Shit


...and finally, something a bit different from the rest.
4. Enya - Only Time


Thats right, I'm not afraid to admit I enjoy Enya.

Deportation Weekly - Michael Moore

This weeks nominee for permanent relocation is Michael Moore. I must be honest, this decision was very easy to make. Moore is a man who has annoyed me from the moment I became interested in the news and current events.

As if Fahrenheit 9/11 wasn't bad enough, he felt the need to release yet another film (he's released five to many in my opinion.) This time he has the health care system in his cross hairs with Sicko. It isn't enough for him to point out the health care system has problems, he feels he is obligated to propose a plan to make it even worse. I'm seriously surprised so many people are supporting his bull shit solution.

This is a capitalistic society. Those with more money and better jobs, should get better health care. The only thing that will happen with Moore's solution, is that everyone will receive shitty medical treatment, not just the poor. Yup, that's a winning plan. It would be wonderful if every American citizen could receive equally great health care, but they can't. If you like Moore and his views you may be thinking I'm an asshole who doesn't care about the poor. Wrong, I'm just smarter than you and can see the huge problem with his plan.

I think our current system needs to be revamped, but we shouldn't adopt a socialistic view towards our health care system.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part II

In high school, I was tricked into going to see Fahrenheit 9/11. Some friends and I were at the mall and decided to walk over to the theater to see what was playing. The three of them wanted to watch his film, Fahrenheit 9/11, I did not. Nonetheless, I decided to tag along because I figured I would at least find some humor in it.

...And I did.

I don't remember much about the film, but one part stands out in my mind. At one point some U.S. solders were talking about how they listen to music via the speakers in their tank. The songs they mentioned and the two they were listening to were Drowning Pool's "Bodies," and Coal Chambers "Sway." Here is the clip of the part I'm referring to:


Upon seeing this, some lady sitting in front of me let out a gasp, "That's so horrible."

No it's not, it's fucking war! What the hell is wrong with them getting pumped up to kill people. It's what they are paid to do. They are simply doing their fucking job and they don't have a choice what orders they follow. If you don't agree with the war great, I don't either, but don't try and portray our troops as monsters.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Because of his horrible films, the idiotic reaction it causes in stupid fucking American citizens, and his general lack of good hygiene, Michael Moore should be escorted across the boarder ASAP. Canada has the health care system he loves so much.

Mirapex: Odd Side Effects

I have always been fascinated by prescription drugs and their side effects. When I first saw the commercials for Alli, a weight loss pill that may cause anal leakage, I thought I would never find anything funnier. The exact term they used was, "oily spotting," and by my thought process insinuates anal leakage. Who would want a leaking ass in exchange for a few less pounds. You may look better, but no man wants a woman with skid marks in her underpants.

Than I saw a commercial for Mirapex, and everything changed. I found this in their faq regarding possible side effects:

There have been reports of patients taking certain medications to treat Parkinson’s disease or RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome), including MIRAPEX, that have reported problems with gambling, compulsive eating, and increased sex drive. It is not possible to reliably estimate how often these behaviors occur to determine which factors may contribute to them. If you or your family members notice that you are developing unusual behaviors, talk to your doctor.

This is exactly what I want in a medication designed to keep my legs still while I sleep. It allows patients to get a good nights sleep before blowing their life savings at the craps table, may cause weight gain, or transform you into a nymphomaniac. The later may not be so bad depending on your take of sex and how often you are able to get it.

"I swear hon, the Mirapex made me do it. I was just so damn horny."

Word for the Weekend 7/20

xenophobia
\ZEN-uh-FOE-bee-uh\

noun:
Definition: Fear or hatred of strangers, people from other countries, or of anything that is strange or foreign

"Time and again we see leaders and members of religions incite aggression, fanaticism, hate, and xenophobia - even inspire and legitimate violent and bloody conflicts."
Hans Kung

Possible template change.

I'm considering switching to a 3-column template for this blog. So, if in the next few days you observe some odd colors, strange lay outs, or any number of possible problems. Please bear with me. I'm still getting used to this blogging thing and will fix what ever I fuck up as soon as I figure out how.

Clumsy Cashier and the Olives

While I was visiting home today, my grandma asked me to run to the supermarket to get olives. The cashier was rather entertaining. When I first got to the register, she was collecting the cash from her customer. When she went to close the drawer, she didn't push it in hard enough or something and it sprang back out at her. The look on her face was priceless. She actually looked a little scared.

Than when she rang up my grandma's olives, she accidentally placed them in between two bags, rather than putting them in one bag. When she noticed her mistake she looked at me and said, "Hehe, that could have been messy." Than she takes my money, opens her drawer, and stares blankly at me. After about 10 seconds of an awful stare down, she snaps back to this world and tells me my total, looks at the money, and than proceeds (finally) to count out my change.

I found her rather interesting.

Chain Mail

Why I hate chain mail.

Scroll down...

(scroll down 10 minutes before reaching the next line of text.)

Think of the name of a member of the opposite sex you REALLY like...

(scroll down 10 minutes before reaching the next line of text.)

Now count to ten...

(scroll down 10 minutes before reaching the next line of text.)

Turn around ten times while reciting an incantation of your choice...

(scroll down 10 minutes before reaching the next line of text.)

Now send this blog entry to ten of your closest friends (within 10 minutes of course) and the person who's name you thought of will ask you out on a date!!!!!!!!

Of course your other option is to simply ask the person you thought of out on a date. You will be surprised how much better that works, as opposed to following the directions of a retarded chain letter. Plus, you will have absolutely no reason to forward anymore to me.

I honestly would have thought this internet fad would have died down by now. Unfortunately it only mutated to encompass not only email; but facebook, myspace, and any other social networking site you can possibly imagine.

Thankfully, most people in my contact list have grown beyond the chain letter, however, there are still a handful which feel it is emanate I receive every single one ever created... ever.

And finally, why is the number "10" so important in these things?

Horrible Parking

Driving isn't complicated, yet there are some things people do, which may make it more difficult than it needs to be.

1. Drinking before driving.
2. Taking medication before driving. Yes your vehicle falls under the heavy machinery warning label.
3. Driving a vehicle which is to large for your peanut brain.

Before I continue, let me clarify something, I have nothing against gigantic vehicles. However, I do have a major problem with people who choose to drive them, while lacking the necessary brain power to handle them properly. Just because your form of transportation is larger than mine, does not mean you get two premium parking spaces. If you do feel the need to take up more than one space, park in the back of the fucking lot!

Secondly, if you squeeze your over sized gas guzzler into a spot and notice the small, eco-friendly cars next to you don't have enough clearance to open their doors, move your damn truck. Despite what Back to the Future fans may believe, the Delorean never caught on. Most cars in today's world require more than 12" in order to open them fully (at least in America.)

I, and others, will not hesitate to slam our car doors into the side of your vehicle if we have to inhale deeply before squeezing into our cars. Some people shouldn't drive anything larger than a go-kart, yet they insist on sitting behind the wheel of an Expedition. I hate every last one of you.

Also, before anyone comments on how I'm not qualified to bitch about this. I used to drive a Ford F-150, extended cab, and when I felt I couldn't fit comfortably into a space, I chose a different one. This is the exact reason I fail to understand why others can't do the same.

Granted, it isn't only drivers of big vehicles who can't park correctly. There are assholes in small cars who can't seem to fit their Neon into a spot twice their cars size. For these people, there is no excuse, each and every one of them should have vulgarities spray painted on the side of their cars.

The author of this blog does not condone vandalism, however, if an entire can of spray paint accidentally goes off in your hand... oops.

Now that I got that out of my system. While looking for a picture to add to this post, I came across I Park Like An Idiot.com. They sell "I park like an idiot" bumper stickers, which I assume your supposed to stick to cars you see horribly parked. Their disclaimer says to not stick them on other cars like the pictures on their site, yet the smallest pack you can buy is a twenty pack. Some people deserve to have these things plastered to the back of their car. I urge each and every one of you to follow suit. If you don't feel like buying them, simply write it on a piece of paper and tape it to the moron's car.

A Call for Angry Letters

I'm sure at this point, you have heard of the young man (Wilson) who is in jail because he received oral sex from a fellow teenager (2 year age difference.) Unfortunately, consensual oral sex between teens was illegal at the time, and he was sentenced to 10 years in prison. Since his conviction, Georgia has changed that law, and what he did is no longer illegal.

On top of all this, the DA has released the sex tape of the two. Please note, this was consensual sex between a 15 and 17 year. Also, under Georgia law, if he had vaginal sex with her, Wilson would not be in jail today. On top of the fact this young man is in jail and will be classified as a sex offender for the rest of his life (if something isn't done,) the DA is now releasing the child porn to certain individuals. I say child porn since he was convicted for aggravated child molestation.

If you would like to let the DA to hear what you have to say in regards to every aspect of this despicable case, I will include his contact info.

For more on this story, click here.

To contact David McDade DA, go here.
Contact:
David McDade, Esquire
District Attorney, Douglas Judicial District
8700 Hospital Drive
Main Floor, Douglas County Courthouse
Douglasville, Georgia 30134
Phone: 770.920.7292
Fax: 770.920.7123

When I get home from work, I will post a more light hearted and humorous update. I'm just highly annoyed at this whole situation. It seems like horrible DA's are becoming a standard at this point.

A Dissatisfied Customer.

I told this story to the hostess the other day at work, and since she seemed to really like it, I figure I should share it with all of you. This took place a couple years ago, while working at Walgreen's. It was several weeks after Hurricane Katrina and our store was constantly crowded. The population of the town had nearly doubled, due to refugee's from New Orleans. The pharmacy was so overrun, it was taking at least two days to fill people's prescriptions. And thus our story begins.

I was working the front register at the time, while the cashier was taking a break. Taking over everyone else's position while they were on break was about 60% of my job... Another part of my job was to open the island register when the front cashier's line grew to long. When I was at the front register, like at the moment, there usually wasn't anyone to help ring up customers besides cosmetics.

While working the front register, with about 6 customers in line, the phone rings.
I answer...

"Thank you for calling Walgreen's, what can I help you with today?"

A females voice responds, "Hi, I'm very angry right now."

"What's the matter ma'am?"

"I put my prescription in two day's ago and it still isn't ready."

I kindly inform her, "O.k., well I can transfer your call to pharmacy if you like."

"No, that's alright, I just wanted to let someone know how angry I am right now. This is ridiculous, I have never had to wait two days for a prescription!"

I retort, "Well, I am more than happy to transfer you to pharmacy, if you like."

"No, I don't want to talk to them, I have already talked to them and they told me there is nothing they can do. They said they will get to it when they can."

"Well would you like to speak to a manger?"

"No, I don't want to talk to a manager, I just want to let someone know how angry I am and I certainly will not ever shop there again."

Meanwhile the customer I'm checking out is ready to pay.

"Your total is $7.52."

"What, my total...," the voice on the phone inquires.

"Sorry, I was talking to the lady who's groceries I just rang up."

"Look ma'am," I direct to the lady on the phone, "what would you like me to do?"

"I don't want you to do anything, I just want to let y'all know how frustrated I am."

At this point I've had enough,
"I don't care, I make $6.00 an hour, but if you want me to transfer you to someone who may care, I will do that. Now if you don't want to talk to either of your two options, I am going to hang up. I am the cashier and the line is growing longer every second I'm on the phone with you!"

"You are very rude, whats your name, I think I will report you."

I give her my name and employee number and ask, "Would you like me to transfer you to the manager now?"

"No, I will do it later."

"Alright, goodbye."
Click

Some of the customers were smiling and a few were actually laughing by the time I hung up the phone. I apologized to them for the wait. At one point I got so involved with telling this woman how I didn't give a shit, I forgot about what else I was doing.

When the cashier came back to her position, I informed a manger they may get a phone call about me. I explained the situation and he told me not to worry about it. I don't think she ever called. However, this is one of the reasons I will probably never work in customer service ever again, I can only put up with so much crap before I eventually lose it. I honestly don't think I would be able to keep a customer service job for long if I worked one now, I enjoy telling shitty customers off too much.

Deportation Weekly - Paris Hilton

With illegal immigration constantly in the news, it got me thinking. Why should illegal immigrants be the only ones facing possible deportation? America is full of useless human beings, so why not deport some of them? I suppose the correct term would be exile, but that term sounds so dated. I have a long list of people I would love to see escorted across the border, I'm sure Canada would be more than happy to except each one of these wonderful people. I will try and post one every Sunday.

So without further delay, the first person I nominate for permanent relocation -- Paris Hilton.

I distinctly remember Paris stating she found Jesus and now realizes her purpose in this life is to help others. From what I've heard, she has already found her way back to the bars she loves so much and rekindled her love affair with alcohol. After doing several searches, I've found one occurrence of Paris doing something remotely good for the world. Wow, she signed a tank top for a good cause... When she stated she planned on making the world a better place, I figured she may volunteer at a soup kitchen, old folks home, animal shelter... O.K. in actuality, I didn't expect any of that. In all honesty, the fact she even signed a shirt pushes her far beyond my expectations.

Because of this, and the fact she is a self centered, egotistical, no talent, unattractive, wanna-be porn star. I feel she is a perfect first candidate for deportation.

Before signing off, I would like to apologize to any Canadians who may read this. I know you probably don't want the likes of her in your semi-lovely country, unfortunately we can't send her to Mexico, because I fear the culture shock may kill her. I dislike her greatly, but don't feel she is worthy of death, at least not yet.

Internet Slang

I LUV DA INTERNET AND AL BUT I HAEV A MAJOR PROBLAM WIT INTERNET TOK!!1!!111 OMG WTF TENS R ACTUALY USNG INTARN3T LANGUAEG WHIEL AT SKOOL!!!!!!!! OMG LOL ITS RATHAR PATHETIC!1!11 I NEVER UND3RS2D TEH POINT OF WRITNG LIEK THIS IT DOESNT ACTUALY SAEV TIEM WHAN TYPNG ON A KEY BOARD!1!1! OMG GRANTED IF UR WRITNG A T3XT MESAEG IT CUD COME IN HANDY.!1!1!1!1!11!1!11 WTF LOL I WISH I CUD ABOLISH THES CRAP!!111! LOL BUT KNOW IT LOKS LIEK ITS HERA 2 STAY!!!!! OMG

Translation:

I love the internet and all, but I have a major problem with internet talk. Teens are actually using internet language while at school. It's rather pathetic. I never understood the point of writing like this, it doesn't actually save time when typing on a key board. Granted if your writing a text message, it could come in handy... I wish I could abolish this crap. But no, it looks like it's here to stay.

If you would like to write like a twelve year old, check out this site. Just type in what you want to say and it will translate it for you.

Censorship and Wal-Mart

There are many things I dislike about Wal-Mart. Here is a brief list:

1. The long lines.
2. Out of 40 registers, only 10 are ever open at one time.
3. The general stupidity of many Wal-Mart employee's
4. Censorship of their music CD's.
   

Why does Wal-Mart feel the need to edit an artists work before making it available to their customers? If they don't agree with the content, than they shouldn't sell it in their stores! When I was a teenager I bought the Spider-Man soundtrack, a cd which was not deemed explicit by the RIAA. The most profane word found in the entire cd is "shit," which Wal-Mart found the need to edit out before selling it to me. I can't stress enough, how ripped off I felt. If I wanted the radio version of songs, I would have made a fucking mixed tape while listening to the radio.

I hate censorship... If you don't like a few foul words in a song, don't buy the cd. There are many people who are capable of realizing there are worse things in the world than a few naughty words.

Here is the best form of censorship, don't buy what you don't want, and on top of that, monitor what the hell your children are listening to. If there weren't so many shitty parents, there wouldn't be a need for censorship. Monitor what your children are doing, rather than allowing a corporation like Wal-Mart to do it for you. If people weren't buying the crap, Wal-Mart would stop butchering music. Unfortunately people are idiots, hence, Wal-Mart feels obliged to watch out for everyone's moral integrity.

Word for the Weekend 7/13

Impregnable
\im-PREG-nuh-buhl\
adjective:

1. Not capable of being stormed or taken by assault; unconquerable; as, an impregnable fortress.
2. Difficult or impossible to overcome or refute successfully; beyond question or criticism; as, an impregnable argument.

"You think, eventually, that nothing can disturb you and that your nerves are impregnable. Yet, looking down at that familiar face, I realized that death is something to which we never become calloused." - Eliot Ness

Arghhh!

In the middle of making a detailed post, which I spent an hour on, Firefox decided it would rather shut down than publish the fucking post. On top of that, it seems to have persuaded Blogger to go along with it's plan to piss me the fuck off. Apparently Blogger decided it was a good idea to stop auto-saving in the middle of the post.

I fucking hate technology. They gives us all kinds of cool gadgets to play with, yet none of it can work properly for longer than a nanosecond.

Ahhhhh.

I will finish the post as soon as I stop wanting to throw my lap top down a flight of stairs.

Edit: Well it posted itself underneath this one, I suppose because I began it before this one... I don't know anymore.

Why does America like crappy music?

I just visited Billboard.com and was appalled when I saw what the top 10 songs currently are. I have taken the time to listen to at least a little of each song on this list, unfortunately most were so bad I had to skip around to get the gist of what is pathetically, considered music.

Here are the top 10 songs according to the Billboard Charts, along with a small remark from me.

1. Rihanna feat. Jay-Z - Umbrella: This is the most popular song in the Nation, yet my ears began bleeding within the first 30 secs. I have never liked Jay-Z, so the fact his voice was hammered into my skull right at the start, may be the reason this song leaves such a bad taste in my mouth.
2. Shop Boyz - Party Like a Rockstar: I'm not a huge fan of rap, but do not dislike the genre in general. With that said, this song should not be the second most popular song right now. It isn't the worst thing I've ever heard and was even able to listen to the entire thing, however, it was far from anything I would listen to in public. The shame would be unbearable.
   
3. Plain White T's - Hey There Delilah: I actually like this song a lot and am proud to admit it currently has a nice home in my iPod. Personally, I feel this song should be number 1, not because it is that amazing, simply because it is better than anything else on this list.
4. Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry: Blah... "I'm not gonna miss you, like a child needs his blanket." Enough said.
   
5. T-Pain Feat. Yung Joc - Buy U a Drank: The word is "drink," not drank... Their is a difference between artistic license and promoting the degradation of the English language. Oddly catching, yet still extremely horrible.
   
6. Timbaland - The Way I Are: I ain't got no money neither, but dat don't give me no rite to make crappy music and use badly English. Would it really detract from your song to title it, "The Way I Am," you stupid fuck...
   
7. Maroon 5- Makes Me Wonder: I've never really liked Maroon 5 and this is no different. Could they be bigger pussies? They sound like a 90's boy band in this track. On second thought, that isn't any different than anything else I have heard from them.
   
8. Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend: Aside from being mildly attractive, she is utter crap. On top of the song being horrible, she continues to dress punk, yet sings Pop. Pick a fucking genre already.
   
9. Justin Timberlake - Summer Love: This ex boy band member may be the worst thing to happen to music since Bob Dylan found Jesus (view his gospel songs on youtube, you will see what I mean.) Timberlake is like a white R. Kelly, minus the golden showers. This is absolutely horrible. I never thought I could hate him more than when he was a member of N'Sync, but alas, I have been proven wrong.
   
10. Amy Winehouse - Rhab: Surprisingly, I have nothing bad to say about this song. I actually kind of liked it.
    

How are these the most popular songs? What the hell is wrong with people? I can't believe so many people have such horrible taste in music. People make me sick... Out of ten slots, only 3 songs listed are even worthy of listening to.

Boy Shakira

This guy is a contestant on "America's Got Talent," but doesn't seem to have any talent himself. This is a clip from his first audition which I do find very funny. However, after seeing his new performance, which isn't worth posting, I'm left wondering why he is still around. It was just pathetic the second time.

Torture Device for Children

Why does nearly every doctors office have this toy? It may be the most annoying thing created since the demon child, Paris Hilton. Kids don't seem content to quietly move the wooden balls down the track, they must make as much noise as possible while doing it. On top of the noise being produced by the toy itself, this simple design seems to work many children into an instant state of hysteria.

Personally, I feel the doctors who use this torture device in their offices believe it will increase the number of patients they treat. I, for example, would never have discovered I suffer from migraines if it weren't for this toy being placed in nearly every doctor's office I've ever been in.

Why can't waiting rooms show a G rated film and provide coloring books and crayons for the kids? I believe waiting rooms should provide entertainment for children, but not at the risk of my health and sanity. What the hell is the point of having reading material for the adults if they can't even here themselves think? Granted, a lot of the problem falls to bad parenting, but don't help these kids serve their one purpose in life (annoying others) by providing them with obnoxious toys while others are trying to read. Children are best observed, not heard.

Lights, Camera, Stupidity

I worked on a movie set in New Orleans a few years back and the more I think about the experience, the more I realize just how many mentally deprived people I came across. In case you are interested, the small independent film is called "Flakes." I have a strong feeling it will quickly go to DVD, but non-the-less, I enjoyed my non-paying job as a production assistant.

Brief Synopsis taken from IMDB.com:

Aspiring rock musician Neal Downs (Stanford) manages a cereal bar. Stylish Miss Pussy Katz (Deschanel) is the creator of radically-themed art clothing. When the cereal bar, brings in an offbeat crew of locals, who debate the arcana of cereal history and ideal milk/flake ratios, an aspiring capitalist rips off their concept.

This film was shot on the streets of New Orleans and two buildings, catercorner to each other, were the sets of the two competing cereal bars. Parked along the street were several trucks along with lighting, audio, and film equipment along the side walks. One of the sets was built in a building which many people recognize as a popular place, unfortunately the name and purpose of the establishment is eluding me at the moment. Google, the local news archives, and the local paper's site were of no help in my search either. Apparently this film is so under the radar, even local news agencies didn't see much use in reporting much on it. The business was closed for renovations and decided to rent it out for the 28 days it took to make this film.

The question I was asked most often, despite the obvious answer, was... are you ready for this?
"What are y'all doing?" Granted this question came in several variations, sometimes it was phrased as, "What's going on here?" But despite minor word variations, this question was nearly always accompanied by a very confused expression. Keep in mind, there is lighting equipment, cameras, and many other signs which would indicate, to any mildly intelligent person, something is being filmed. Even if they knew this and simply wanted to talk about it, a much better approach would have been to ask whats being filmed. Instead they piss me off instantly with one of the dumbest question a person could ask in that situation.

At one point, while they were filming down the road, I was given the task of guarding the equipment and vacant set's. While exquisitely preforming my noble duty, a couple walked by and looked through the window of one of the sets, which had a sign hanging over head which read, "Flakes Cereal Bar." The man immediately exclaims to his companion, "their opening a cereal bar here, what a stupid fucking idea...!" "And why the fuck are they opening two of them right across the street from each other?"All I could seem to do was look at him like he was the dumbest man on earth.

I felt it was important to let him continue in his rant before I informed him of what was actually going on. I have to admit, he was a great source of entertainment at that moment. Despite noticing all the film making equipment all around him, when I informed the dolt (with a very mocking voice) it was a movie set, he replied, "How the hell was I supposed to know that?" Surprisingly he didn't seem at all embarrassed. He seemingly saw no reason he should have been able to deduce something close to that answer.

In summation, pay attention to your surroundings, it may keep you from asking stupid questions... I know momma likely told you there are no stupid questions, but she was wrong. Or perhaps she was right, because as the other saying goes, "there are no stupid questions, only stupid people." Yup, maybe momma was right after all.

11 year old drunk driver

An 11 y/o girl lead police on a 100 mph chase through Orange Beach, Alabama ending in a horrific crash. Maybe I'm alone on this, but I would like to see the parents on trial alongside their idiot child. I also better not hear anyone saying, "She's only 11, we all made stupid mistakes at that age."

First of all, most people don't steal a relatives car until 14 years of age and don't receive their first DUI until around 16. Obviously this girl is far ahead of the curve when it comes to delinquent minors and at this rate will commit an armed robbery by the time she is 13-14. Congratulations little girl, who's name has not been released, you will likely lead a wonderful fulfilling life in an Alabama trailer park. I have a feeling your inbreed parents are angrier you drank their beer as opposed to the fact you lead police on a 100 mph chase and didn't get away.

I can't stress this enough people, running from the cops is only a smart idea if you can actually get away...

Word for the Weekend 7/6

multifarious
\mul-tuh-FAIR-ee-us\
adjective
: having or occurring in great variety : diverse

"The elements that unite to make the Grand Canyon the most sublime spectacle in nature are multifarious and exceedingly diverse."
-John Wesley Powell

King Henry the VIII is sexy

Everybody knows that most Hollywood screenwriters have little to no talent. I can handle when they retell the same stories over and over again, or remake movies and claim they have updated and modernized them, but something that I will never understand is why they take history and change it so drastically. Usually, in the end, the only fact that remains is the name of the characters.

What got me thinking about this was an advertisement for the television show The Tudors. In the commercial King Henry the VIII is shown as a young slender man. In actuality King Henry the VIII was rather over weight, and short-hence, his love affair with high heels. I realize that a handsome, young man is more pleasing to watch then a fat, gluttonous man, but that is history.

Now, I have never bothered to watch the show, since I know it would just anger me, so I can not say much about the content, but I am almost 100% positive that nothing in the show has anything to do with historical fact. I really believe that they just wanted to make a period piece, but were too ignorant to formulate the characters and basic events on their own.

While on this subject, I also hate when screenwriters, and other Hollywood big shots, think it is okay to bastardize classic novels. I just do not understand why someone would call a movie Pride and Prejudice but not follow the story line of the book. I guess they think that since the title is so well known, it will help gain an audience. Maybe they believe by adding special effects and Tom Cruise will help distract from the butchering of great literature.

Of course I am looking at this from my standpoint. Unfortunately, I think that most people are too oblivious to notice, or so ignorant that they have never read the book, or learned the history being distorted and retold. I would not be surprised if a lot of people take what they see in movies, or TV shows as fact. After all, looking at dots of lights on a screen is much easier than reading.

Help Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed

According to Powell's Books,

Liberals Under My Bed is a fun way for parents to teach children conservatism. Readers follow Tommy and Lou as they open a lemonade stand to earn money for a swing set. But when bureaucratic busybodies demand the brothers pay outrageous taxes, remove their picture of Jesus, and serve broccoli with their lemonade, they experience firsthand the dangers of liberalism.

This got me thinking of other great ideas for children's books.

1. Help Mom! Al Sharpton is under my bed.
Lou and Tommy start a lemonade stand only to have Al Sharpton stage a protest out front due to their lack of minority employee's.

2. Help Mom! Lindsay Lohan is under my bed.
Lou and Tommy start a lemonade stand only to have it destroyed by a drunk and swerving coke whore.

3. Help Mom! There are Scientologists under my bed.
Lou and Tommy start a lemonade stand only to have it over run by Xenu, the alien ruler of the "Galactic Confederacy."

4. Help Mom! There are Fundamentalist Christians under my bed.
Lou and Tommy start a lemonade stand only to have it and themselves condemned to hell by an ironically bitter preacher, all because they don't donate enough money to the local church.

Maybe these aren't million dollar book ideas, but shouldn't we warn children early of all these dangers in the world?

"K-Ville" Cops patrol post katrina streets of New Orleans

Ugly Hookers

I'm thinking of the old adage here, "you get what you pay for." That phrase holds true when you are buying electronics, investing in laser eye surgery, eating out, and cruising the street for a pleasure buddy. I understand the appeal of buying a cheap t.v., even though your sure it will break as soon as that wonderful six month warranty expires. However, I fail to see the logic in buying a cheap hooker, for several reasons.

1. Sex can be very dangerous, especially when used by the ignorant. It's obvious, or at least I hope it is, disease spreads easily through sexual intercourse, especially when the the people involved in the sexual deed are two stupid to wear a condom. Even with a condom, the chance of catching something goes up when you are buying sex from a crack whore in the trailer park.

While I'm on the subject, does anyone else support the government sterilizing anyone on welfare with more than one child? I know my state (Louisiana) gives free birth control to low income people, it doesn't look like many are taking advantage of it though. They also offer women the opportunity to get their tubes tied for free. They are on the right track, but I think it should be required rather than simply an option. No one wants their taxes to go toward some dumb bitch who can't keep her legs closed. It really pisses me off when I see these trashy people with 10 kids. If you can't afford children, at least make an effort to prevent having them.

2. There are several kinds of hookers: the upscale $1,000 an hour hooker, the mid-grade $200-300 hooker, and finally, the cheap $10 for a blow job hooker. This is the hooker this post is dedicated too.

Why, would anyone pay $10 for a blow job, in particular, from someone they can't possibly be attracted to? I watch cops a lot, and see the hideous atrocities they bust for prostitution. You couldn't pay me enough money to even kiss one.

For $10, why not just masturbate? It's much safer and you don't have to fight the natural gag reflex a person must feel when some of these women are doing what they do. On top of that, I'm sure your own hand feels much better than crooked, jagged teeth scratching across your member. The worst part of all this is the fact people actually pay these women for their service. If they weren't making enough money via their current profession to buy crack and heroin, they would change jobs. Maybe a fine life of thievery?

Let's face it, prostitution is reserved for the rich. They can afford nice, and generally clean prostitutes. If you can't afford something nice in this regard, why not just avoid it all together. If you take nothing else from this, remember, a cheap t.v. won't give you:
Chlamydia
Crabs
Gonorrhea
Hepatitis
Herpes
HIV and AIDS
Scabies
Syphilis
but a cheap hooker may. Hell I'm about to vomit just think about all this.

On a more serious note, if you would like more information about STDs and STIs click here.
The best defense is informing your self with knowledge... and condoms.

I dislike people

This isn't really news to me, I have known for quit a while I dislike most people. I used to go out to bars a lot, but it was mainly in the hopes of a new sexual conquest. Last night Kelly and I went to a local bar/restaurant which just opened up, and within 5 minutes of being there, I remembered why it's been so long since I visited one.

For the most part, I tolerate obnoxious drunk people, I'm sure I have been that person on a number of occasions. However, there is a difference between simply being an annoying drunk and being a squealing, yelling bitch. There was one girl in the bar, who every few minutes, would squeal at the top of her lungs. I've wanted to tell many people to shut the hell up, but never as much as last night.

Drunk people who talk about stupid stuff are fun, drunk women who scream for no reason while others are sitting down in a nice little bar, are simply annoying and needs to be destroyed. Someone needs to monitor her drinking before it causes a black eye.

I would rather attend a poetry reading by Rosie O'Donnell before I would subject myself to that squealing pig again.

Hey you! Give me my food!

Last night work was more hectic than usual. Within about fifteen minutes of opening, every table in the place was full. Needless to say everyone was a bit overwhelmed, so nothing was running smoothly.

Not too long after opening one of my fellow co-workers ran up to me and asked if I could take one of her tables. She claimed there was no way she could get to them anytime soon, since her whole section was full. I guess she failed to notice that everyone’s section was full, but needing the money I agreed to take it. This was one of the worst mistakes of my entire life.

I went up to the table with my usually cheery (but fake) smile. I introduced myself, and asked if they wanted anything to drink while they were looking over the menu. The man at the table looked at me like I was insane, and said “Of course I want something to drink. Get me an Abita Amber, and it better be cold”!

When I returned with the drinks, they placed their order, then basically threw the menus at me. They had ordered an appetizer, that I knew was going to take awhile, so I decided to bring their salads first.

Again the man looks at me like I didn’t know what I was doing and said, “I ordered an appetizer! Why would you bring my salad now? What kind of place is this”?

I told the owner of the restaurant what was going on at the table, and she quickly went over there. She took the salads from the table, and told them that if they were going to treat one of her employees that way, they could just leave (I really love the owners of my restaurant).

Unfortunately they opted for staying, and getting their food. Needless to say, I did not fill their drinks once, or ever bring back the salads they so detested.

Later on, when the man went to the restroom, his wife flagged me over and told me that she had never seen him act that way, and that she was really sorry. She told me that he had just gone through surgery and he was on a lot of medication at the time. I told her it was okay, but I could not help but wonder why, if he was so doped out on pills, they would go out to eat in the first place.

Moral of the story is this: Don’t treat your server badly, if you do, you will get the service you deserve. I never go out my way for people who come in with a chip on their shoulder. No amount of money is worth being treated like scum.

LET ME IN!!!!!

The restaurant that I work at is in a small town in Southeastern Louisiana, called French Settlement. In my grandmother’s day, people from other towns considered French Settlement as the inbreeding capital of the state, and I don’t think that they were wrong in this assumption.

My place of business opens at five o’clock in the afternoon. We usually have people waiting patiently outside for us to open. Sometimes they will peek through the windows, or pull once or twice on the front doors, but this was not the case Thursday night.

At about 4:45 the restaurant phone starts to ring. I answer it, and hear:
“Hey baby. Ya’ll got cold beer?’
I respond, “Yes sir.”
“Ya’ll got hot food?’
Again I respond, “Yes”.
“Well let me in!”

I then told him that we did not open for the next fifteen minutes. Then he got angry. He actually said, “You are really going to make my wait even though I am outside?” I told him that he had to wait because we were preparing for the evening, and would open very soon, and hung up.

I have never thought that I had the right to be admitted into any establishment that was either not yet opened, or closed. To be brutally honest, he is really luck I did not have to wait on him: his beer would have been at least room temperature, and his food cold. I really hate self-righteous people.